I was thinking the other day that there are certain phrases that should never be said.
1. “Smell my hand”
” This is a phrase almost exclusively used negatively. Whatever you got on your hand, wash it off. I know misery loves company but really, its too much… wash your hands! Now, for the rare occasion that you somehow procured a delightful smell upon your hand you’re still suspect in my book.
While we’re talking about hands….
2. “I just washed my hands”
This is a statement that you’ll hear after shaking a persons hand that just got done “powdering their nose”. They shake your hand and feel compelled to tell you they just washed there hands. Now, I know why they’re doing it… they, in some sick way, think that you’ve attributed the moisture on their hand to the fact that they somehow peed all over their hand and took no corrective measures and left the bathroom and promptly shook your hand. This is ridiculous! If you are so wildly dysfunctional that you do pee on your hands and then leave and shake peoples hands you aren’t about to say, “oh sorry, my hands wet, I just peed on it”. I mean, come on, I get it you washed your hands, they’re wet, and I take that as a sign of good hygiene. Congrats to you, you’re potty trained. It’s you, mister “perfectly dry hand” guy that just left the bathroom that I worry about
3. “You still working on that?”
This little gem is said by the waitress that is trying to get you out of the restaurant to bring in another better tipping patron to take your place. They’ve likened the meal they served you 20 minutes prior to a fine work of art to be completed, rather than the 1200 calorie transgression it really is. Am I still working on it? yes, I’m still working on it. I was just about to put the finishing touches on it. I think you will be really pleased with the end result.
4. “Oh snap”
This is used by someone who suffered sever head trauma in 1998 and was put in to a medically induced coma and just woke up last week. It’s also used by people they may still feel it is 1998. Just like the unibomer was sentenced to be locked up on 1998 this phrase should join him. I don’t know what it means, I’ve never known. It should ONLY be used when you are CLEARY mocking it. if you have more PLEASE tell me… make me laugh
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