GOOD GRIEF (PART 3)

One definition of grief is: The normal process of reacting to a loss. The loss may be physical (such as a death), social (such as divorce), or occupational (such as a job). Emotional reactions of grief can include anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness, and despair. Physical reactions of grief can include sleeping problems, changes in appetite, physical problems, or illness.

All of us at some point or another have experienced loss. The good thing about this reality is that we are not alone in grief despite what our mind and emotions are telling us. And although we can empathize with those that grieve every loss is unique, as every person is unique. Thats why its foolish to say to someone grieving “I know exactly how you feel”. That stupid and insensitive. The truth is there is no way to know EXACTLY how someone feels. Even if you are speaking to your sibling about the divorce of your parents. What is more accurate(and sensitive) to say are things like: “its sounds like you feel….” or “I’m sorry for your loss”. But at the end of the day if someone grieving wants your “Deep” thoughts… THEY’LL ASK. At the end of the day what a person grieving needs most is found not in what you say but what you do. It’s what i call the “BE THERE” factor.

I remember when me and my wife walked through a dark valley that came out of nowhere. Our daughter was diagnosed with cancer and rushed for treatment and surgery. I remember when my pastor and friend Mike Servello jr. rushed to my side. It was late that night and my head was spinning to say the least. Trying to be strong i was sitting in a waiting room when i burst into tears. I looked at him and say “WHY.. I just don’t understand this”. He said…. nothing. Because the truth is I didn’t want him to,  and, there where no answers to give. But what he did I’ll never forget. He put his hand on my back and simply was there. And he listened. Not only him but so many other friends as well. At the time I wanted him to speak. But looking back I realize that he gave me what exactly what I needed in my grief….his presence.

If your grieving find someone what can stand by your side. And if your not grieving, look around. You might find someone who is. And I have good news for you. You don’t need to be a genius to be there for them. You don’t need to have a PhD in grief counseling… You simply need to be there and “weep with them that weep”. It might very well be a catalyst for healing in their life.

(by the way our daughter has recovered and is doing great)

GOOD GRIEF (PART 2)

Relative to your loss the grief that you may be experiencing may me major or it may be minor. I’m qualifying “major” or “minor” by the symptoms of grief that you may be experiencing. WebMD.com breaks down the symptoms of grief into the physical the emotional the social and the spiritual.

• Physical expressions of grief often include crying and sighing, headaches, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, weakness, fatigue, feelings of heaviness, aches, pains, and other stress-related ailments.
• Emotional expressions of grief include feelings of sadness and yearning. But feelings of worry, anxiety, frustration, anger, or guilt are also normal.
• Social expressions of grief may include feeling detached from others, isolating yourself from social contact, and behaving in ways that are not normal for you.
• Spiritual expressions of grief may include questioning the reason for your loss, the purpose of pain and suffering, the purpose of life, and the meaning of death

The interesting thing about the list mention above is that is is very similar to a list you would see for depression. Depression is not healthy, depression isn’t productive and depression has to be dealt with. But grief is NOT depression and ought not to be dealt with as if it where. Anyone who has ever gone through a season of grief will attest to the fact that there is always someone who will always come along to offer an “encouraging” word. Touching and heartfelt words like….(on the loss of a relationship) “you’ll find someone else” or “there are other fish in the sea”. (on the death of a loved one) “they are in a better place” or “be glad they didn’t suffer”. Now although all these statements may be factually TRUE they are all DUMB because you’re trying to deal with the emotion of grief with logic. Bottom line, when you’re grieving you’re grieving. I want to point out two things here, first, when someone is grieving it may make you feel uncomfortable and you may want them to “feel better”, BUT, it’s not about you its about them. Second, “feel better” is a relative term. Maybe the the grief they’re feeling is EXACTLY the feeling that God has designed to help them in the season they’re in. And maybe our attempts to get them to “feel better” is, in fact, going to hurt them by keeping them from the season that God has designed for there benefit

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (New Living Translation)

1 For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

Grieving is good. The circumstances that bring grief about are often bad, but grieving is good. Its a season provided to the human soul by God. Don’t feel guilty for grieving. Don’t allow people to lead you to believe you’re broken…. your not. If your grieving, its ok, grieve.

GOOD GRIEF (Part 1)

I feel to write on the issue of grief for a bit. I’m not personally going through any grief but there isn’t week that goes by when I don’t encounter someone who is. Now when i say “grief” most people think of death. And surely death brings about grief but I would like to talk about grief in the broader and dare i say more accurate context.

Grief is about loss. And loss is more than death. It could be loss of health. A friend moving away. A friend betraying you. Graduating and thus changing stations in life. Loss/change of a mental schemata(paradigm shift) regarding life. Financial trouble, divorce and on and on and on. If you are not presently grieving over something you surely know someone who is.

I’ll share from my readings, observations and experiences. If they resonate with you great…. If not leave me a nasty comment and I’LL grieve over it….

I’ll leave you with this. A list of of falsehoods that you and i have most likely learned either experientially or through passive learning.

When faced with grief:

1. Don’t feel bad

2. Replace the loss

3. Grieve alone

4. Just give it time

5. Be strong for others

6. Keep busy

Proud of my Interns

I wanted to post links to my senior interns. They are awesome with great destiny and there are great things going on in there lives…. Check um out and leave a comment it will really brighten there day
http://andrewhayes.wordpress.com

http://kaylabarrett.wordpress.com

http://lindseyjoyl.wordpress.com

http://blacksboro.wordpress.com

LEADERSHIP FATAL FLAWS

I’m going to move off the ART OF WAR thing after today for those that have had just about enough. But i couldnt without passing along something this Sun Tzu brings out in his writings. He list five dangerous faults which may affect a general.

1. Recklessness, which leads to destruction.

2. Cowardice, which leads to capture.

3. A hasty temper, which can be provoked by insults

4. A delicacy of honour which is sensitive to shame

5. Over-solicitude for his men, which exposes him to worry and trouble

WOW… good stuff “Sunny” its been real look forward to the sequel…  Ooo my bad… you’ve been dead for 2 century’s … Gosh that was insensitive… If any of the Tzu family is reading this… My sincerest apology’s

THE ART OF WAR FOR… FOR CHRISTIANS (PART 5)

Acts 6:1-3 (NLT)But as the believers rapidly multiplied, there were rumblings of discontent. The Greek-speaking believers complained about the Hebrew-speaking believers, saying that their widows were being discriminated against in the daily distribution of food. 2 So the Twelve called a meeting of all the believers. They said, “We apostles should spend our time teaching the word of God, not running a food program. 3 And so, brothers, select seven men who are well respected and are full of the Spirit and wisdom. We will give them this responsibility.

Sun Tzu says: “He will win who has military  capacity and is not interfered with by the sovereign”

As i endevour to unpack this let me begin with clarifying the vernacular used herein by Sun Tzu. When he says “sovereign” he is in NO WAY referring to God or other deity. What is meant here is king, Emperor or any such ruler of the people. In that context he communicates a powerful point.

At the explosive growth of the early church problems arose. The pastor where able to do EVERYTHING. They could have tried, but in the end it would have resulted in good things happening for some and great things happening for none. Even before “Good to GREAT” was written the early disciples had tapped into a deep principle. Figure out what do do great and work it. And for the rest, release Godly sharp people. This isnt to say they aren’t responsible to you only that you shouldn’t spend your time getting “all up in there grill”(if you dont know what that means ask your teenager).

There is no greater joy for leader than to train up and release someone into the arena of there giftedness and watch them fly. Sun Tzu(sunny, as i like to call him) was really on to something good. The early Apostles where on to something good. The question is, am i on to something good? Am i trusting those i appoint and empower to do what they do well. I’m so blessed to be surrounded by so many gifted people that God is using to strengthen the body of Christ. I can’t do it all, neither do I want to. But sometimes its ego that trys to keep the spot light on me. I pray God strengthens me and keeps me humble.  That I would strive, not to be IN the spotlight but RUN the spotlight and be able to spend my life celebrating and shining the light on those that do what God has given them to do well.

be back in a couple days…

My MAC is experiencing so deep seated emotional problems. it was delivered of an old hard drive but now we are spending time together getting to know each other again and getting it back to its preferred preferences. Please be patient with us during this healing process.

P.S. making “P.C.s are better than MAC” jokes in this time would be both insensitive and tasteless

THE ART OF WAR…FOR CHRISTIANS(PART 4)

Sun Tzu says: “He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy unprepared”

Proverbs 21:31 (The Message) Do your best, prepare for the worst— then trust God to bring victory.

Proverbs 21:31 (New International Version)  The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the LORD.

There will always be for a follow a tension that must be held. It is the tension between faith and works. We cannot be saved but by faith alone. But we cannot live out our faith void of works. One fatal flaw occurs when we think that we can win the war through hard word alone.  The other fatal flaw is trying to live by faith alone…People say ”I have faith for God to keep me healthy” while they smoke a pack a day. People say “I have faith that God will provide for me” while they fail to educate themselves and pursue gainful employment. All of this is foolishness. We need to do our best and “prepare the horses for battle” but at the end of the day it is God that makes a way for the battle to be won. It is God that Guards our health and finances. Its God that opens doors that no man can close and closes doors no man can open.

“The dictionary is the only place that success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. I think you can accomplish anything if you’re willing to pay the price.”

-Vince Lombardi

ART OF WAR…. FOR CHRISTIANS (part 3)

Sun Tzu says: “He will win whose army is animated by the same spirit throughout all its ranks”

This has got to be one of my favorite sayings of Sun Tzu. When he says spirit he is not speaking of the supernatural, he is speaking of vision, understanding and motivation. And being defined thus I appreciate the truth laid out therein. As a leader it’s easy to animate the top tier of leaders with the same vision but it’s infusing that same vision in the hearts and mind throughout ALL the ranks that presents the difficulty.  But it is absolutely essential that the leader aims to do so.  Its essential because it’s only those that have captured the vision that will be sufficiently energized to fight in such a way that will bring about victory.

In the leadership bell curve there are the innovators, early adopters, early majority, late majority and laggards. The leader is the innovator and the early adopters are the top leaders. It is the innovator and early adopters job to help the rest “get it” and become animated with the same spirit to such a degree that it creates such energy that victory is imminent.

THE ART OF WAR… FOR CHRISTIANS (PART 2)

Romans 10:1-3 (NAS) Brethren, my heart’s desire and my prayer to God for them is for their salvation. 2For I testify about them that they have a zeal for God, but not in accordance with knowledge.

Sun Tzu says: He will win who knows how to handle both superior and inferior forces

In reading this tenent of Sun Tzu key to victory my mind drifts instantly towards The Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Zeal, passion and a fighting spirit spent in the wrong way is foolish and “not in accordance with knowledge”.  There are many situations and circumstance that we are to attack but there are some that we should not. There are unmovable foes that we simply need to trust God with. We can control our spending but we can’t control the stock market. We can exercise and eat well but we can’t ultimately control our health. We can love people with our whole hearts but we cant stop people from hurting us. We can work diligently and the company we work for can go bankrupt.

Don’t waste your energy(worry) on the battles you can not win so you will be strong and ready for the battles that God has ondained you to fight and WIN.